So i had this dream where i was a girl about 10ish (Male irl and rather old) and i was near the old apartment i grew up when i was a kid (i actually grew up from 7 years old all the way to 16 for those that are wondering) the strange part about this old apartment was that this place was in a city but for some reason in my dream this place was now in the middle of a massive and i mean Massive Forest! and i was walking outside of the building trying to explore the place as i was walking around some kids showed up and started to make fun of me for no reason and started to throw rocks at me and as i curled up to a ball on the ground some new kid showed up and started to tell me to endure to get up and take their hand so i decided to listen to them and we ended up running away from those mean kids but they would not give up they kept chasing and throwing rocks thats when the kid that was running with me picked me up and jumped into a pit. in that pit he started asking me if i was okay at the same time i could hear the other kids shouting from a distance trying to find us. while i was waiting for the mean kids to leave i took a look at the kid who helped me that  instant i was shocked that kid was a me. the problem is that over the past 15 years that exact same younger version of my self was not very nice. for 15 years that younger version of my self would show up and do horrible things to me. like cutting me open and i had to watch or breaking my arms legs etc. He would light me on fire he would get nails and pin me down with them (or should i say i did all those things to myself?) anyways in one of my dreams something did happen to my younger self as i usually was running away and i had stop dreaming about my younger self. but now in this dream he showed up and he was protecting me (Why?) so the bullies were getting closer and my younger self tells me to run away and that he will distract them so i listen to him and start runing away the opposite way and as i ran away i could hear him scream in pain they managed to catch him so i turn around manage to pick him up and run to the nearest place it was a bathroom (for those that suffer from child abuse i dont think i need to explain it but yeah i am able to understand that connection) and in that that bathroom i could hear those kids banging on the door trying to get in and while holding the kid (my younger self) in my arms he tells me to not give up and he ends up dying (my younger self just told me to not give up and dies on my i have no idea whats going on) after a while the banging on the door stops and a the roof gets torn off guess what its a really big Swan. and she tells me she is there to pick me up. so (dream logic) i listen and do what she tells me to do at this point it starts to rain so she embraced me and we wait for the rain to stop. (i felt very safe at this point and even happy) So after it stops raining she tells me it is time for me to spread my wings (this entire time im still a girl...) so when i look at my back to see if i have wings sure enough i have wings but i tell her im too scared and that i dont want to fall so she tells me everything will be alright and picks me up puts me on her back and she starts flying really high she takes me all kinds of biomes shows me snow, deserts, canyons , forest, oceans etc.. at some point i am flying with her and no longer on her back we fly for sometime and then she tells me it is time for me to learn how to sing so she starts singing and i follow along with her tune she tells me how good i am. A storm cloud appears in the distance it was a really dark and it had a glowing red eye in the center of it. The swan then tells me she taught me how to fly and she taught me how to sing so now it was time to sing one last time. She told me this time it will be different she said now it was time to learn pain and sacrifice she the proceeded to break my wings and my legs she gouged out my eyes and then told me sing and call that cloud to you so that it wont notice the kids that picked on me (the ones that also killed my younger self) and that that point i started to sing my final song the cloud noticed me came my way and struck me down with a bolt. with that strike it took my voice and started to leave and never noticed the kids i could no longer see anything walking was not a option and flying was just never going to happen even tho i could no longer see anything there was one thing i could see but not see a bit confusing i know but idk anyways My younger self appeared before me not as a living person or dead person but more as a empty space it was a void with no voice but i could somehow hear him. He sounded so upset and started to ask me why? all i could do was respond him without my voice that it did not matter this was for the best he then called me dumb he said there were many things i could still do that i had yet to experience and i responded once more with "It does not matter" at this point he was full of yelling at me "There is so much more i wanna do i do not deserve this. i too wanted to be selfish. i want my own life and you took it all everything you gave it to them for what reason? They dont deserve to live Let them die and let me live" after that i woke up extremely exhausted to the point i fell back to sleep. Crazy enough i think i was back in the same world/place of my last dream however everything was dark and i was not walking but crawling pulling my self around with my arms trying to find someone or something anything really this place was now pitch black and eventually i found a garden the ground was grey and there were only white lilies and in the center ( dont know the name of the flower part ) there were little lights they glowed just like rgb paterns but in a very slow pattern as far as i could see there was no end to this flower garden but in the center of it all was a cherry blossom tree and it too glowed with dim lights at the center of its flowers. i notice one flower was singled out so i go take a look at it and noticed it was really damaged and dying for some reason i started to panic so i picked it up and sat next to the tree i then realized i was still in the girl body but because i could walk and see i did not notice i was still in that girls body the wings were still damaged but when my body was bloody all over ( i had a white dress one piece no idea what you would call them) and the last thing that i remember was that when i looked at the night sight the stars where no longer there i realized there wont be  anymore stars in this world and all i would be doing in there would be waiting for the end. It has been almost a year since that dream and i dont think ill be forgetting it anytime soon also i would like to say that i was unable to feel any pain in that garden but i could not feel joy no sadness so that was a plus. Within this year alone (2020) i have not met up with my younger self it was amazing he/i tried doing something nice but i dont get why he did it after all 15 years of abuse from him?(Me)? why am i never him/me? in my dream for the past 15 years i was never allowed to talk to him and what i mean by that is that yes my younger self was brutal but once i got the idea of talking to him/me someone would always show up and tell me that i needed to wake up and HE(me) is not a safe person to talk to. and those same people did do something to him in one of my previous dreams honestly this feels so unreal to me but it should right? thats what dreams feel like? is it normal im mostly a girl in my dreams? why? im a  straight male irl as for doubts on my sexuality i have none i know what i like and what i dont. what would cause this?