the vagina monologues

First a little background information about me. I am a 25-year-old female, and am pretty happy about most areas of my life (work, family, etc.) save one: my current relationship. I wish I could tell you exactly what it is that makes me unhappy. I guess the biggest thing is that my boyfriend does not want to be as committed as I do.

We have been dating for almost two years and he hates talking about anything slightly serious—even normal conversations about the relationship he cannot handle. It usually ends up in a vicious argument. But there are other things, such as not really being able to be myself, in order to avoid arguments. I will not truly say what I think or feel. It is not all bad, but a large portion of it is.

I have often thought of breaking up with him, but unfortunately the idea seems unbearable. I think in many ways I have become very dependent on him and the relationship.

In my dream my boyfriend and I had gone out to a get-together where there were 3 of his friends and two other girls. We were all talking and joking and then one of the guys had a great idea. He thought it would be really fun to do something to me.

I looked over at my boyfriend and he looked at me like—yeah, you know, don’t be a party pooper. So I laid down in a fetal position and the guy was smiling and he had a thread with a needle with him. I was naked and he touched my vagina and started sewing it shut with the needle and thread.

I was obviously scared but I did not see blood and I don’t remember pain. After it was done, I started to cry and I was very emotional, but my boyfriend was looking at me like—what is the matter? It was like he knew that something should be wrong, but in his usual fashion he did not want to face up to it, and he would rather have me explain why I should be upset.

I didn’t want to upset him or make him feel like he did anything wrong, so I told him that it wasn’t anything that he had done but how the whole thing had made me feel—feel bad that is. The reality was that I was hurt and saddened that he had done nothing to stop this violation and he had gone on watching and had not even objected to it. I felt it was for his fear of being ridiculed in front of his friends—kind of like I thought he did not have a mind of his own.

He began arguing with me that I was too emotional. (We usually have arguments like this, and he is the one who comes out without any fault, and I am the over-emotional, irrational one. I usually agree because the argument will not end otherwise!) Well, just when I was beginning to feel like I am being irrational and that there was nothing wrong with what he had done, one of the girls says, “Well of course you should be upset, I would be upset. He should not have done that to you,” (my boyfriend’s friend, that is) sewing me. So I felt validated for once and I felt I had a right to be upset. Then the other girl agreed and she said, “I am sorry I did not stop him, but I thought your boyfriend would!”

That is the bulk of it. I also remember breaking up with him—and it feeling very good. As well I recall cutting the thread—and there were no scars or blood and I thought this was odd.

Please help. Any ideas you have would be greatly appreciated.

—Martina, Age 25, Ontario, CANADA

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