hold on

I would like to give some background information. I am a 34 year old female, married (my second marriage). My very close and dear childhood and adult friend, Amy, committed suicide 6 years ago. She suffered from Bi-Polar depression. She has come to me in many dreams, and when she and I spoke during these dreams I always laughed and said, “Hey, I had this nightmare that you committed suicide.” I had such great relief and would cry very hard and we both would laugh and go on with our conversation.

She comes to me during significant life events, such as having a child, getting divorced and getting re-married, moving, etc. I too suffer from Bi-Polar and have recently had my fourth and final child. The depression has been taking a toll on me lately and I have had suicidal thoughts. I had the following dream about 3 days ago, after I had written a suicide letter to my husband (which I did not give him).

Amy and I were sitting on a couch at the house I was raised in. She told me that she heard my pain and wanted to talk with me. (This is the first time I have had a conversation with Amy in a dream that didn’t have the topic of having a nightmare of her committing suicide). She said that she was not happy with where she is and for me to not commit suicide. She said that she would rather be in the life form that I am in rather than where she is.

Amy said that the spiritual world is very lonely and that you have to figure out your faults in the spiritual world. That the world I live in is the world of reality, and that is why it is painful. Amy looked beautiful, her blond hair was pulled back in a pony tail and she had earrings and a scarf on. She hadn’t aged and she had so much confidence and truth within herself. She looked very alive and very real. I could hear her breathe and smell her perfume.

During this conversation, my mother started to walk into the room and Amy turned herself in to a jittery, tall, skinny, young black man with long braids in his hair. I introduced him to my mother as a friend from school. He seemed like he was on drugs, very nervous and he couldn’t stand still. After my mom left, Amy turned into herself again. I asked her why she couldn’t show herself around my mother and she stated that my mother would “wig” out. Amy told me again that she felt my pain and to hang on. She started to transform into me, then she would tranform back into herself. I would see myself sitting across from me on the couch. I was feeling very tired.

Then, Amy and I were walking on a busy street. She told me that only I could see her so to be discrete. I assume I was sending her off or saying goodbye. She explained to me that she feels trapped and that she has to find the truth. That she has been in this place ever since she died. All of a sudden, a tall young man with long blonde hair walked up to Amy and said “There you are.” Amy said this was someone else from the spiritual world and he keeps following her around. She said it was time for her to leave and then all of a sudden, I was standing alone on the busy street and then..I woke up..I couldn’t go back to sleep.

What exactly is my subconscious telling me other than the obvious and why is it telling me this? Why does she come into my dreams during life events and why is that I always thought she was alive in the past dreams and dead in the present?

--Shelley, Age 34, Married, USA

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