afraid of being caught

I am an instructor and I dreamed that I killed one of my students (I don’t know the reason). I hit her head with a shovel. My anguish and desperation was so great that I was beside myself. I went to the director of the school and told her. She said to me not to worry and we proceeded to throw the body into a well.

Later I found her dentures (she was a young woman) and it looked just like my plastic plate that I use to whiten my teeth. My terror began again as I didn’t know how to dispose of that evidence. I went back to the director and she was very busy and she couldn’t find a time for me in her appointment book, but once again she said not to worry.

So I thought either burn the dentures or cut them in pieces. Once I arrived at that decision I began to walk home (my car was in the shop) so I walked but I couldn’t find my way and I walked and walked very anxiously and aimlessly and began to think, “What I will tell my grandchildren and children when the police catch me in the years ahead?” (My kids are not even married yet).

The desperation and anguish grew stronger and I was so scared. At that moment I thought I would do anything if this whole thing wasn’t true. Finally I woke up and I was quite shaken by all these feelings. But a few minutes later I felt this powerful sense of relief and gratitude for my good fortune in life. And I thought how much I should appreciate all my experiences and how much I shouldn’t take my life for granted.

I am 48 years old, and recently moved after living almost 30 years in another state. I am going through a big transition in my life, where I know that a change is coming but I do not know in which way it will affect me. I am content, and almost feel guilty for not having any preocupations. I love where I live and I do not need to be terribly concerned about my finances. Yet I often wonder why was I put in this planet and how can I direct my life to make a greater difference in this world. I feel numb at times, and though this dream was scary and painful, when I woke up I felt a sense of renewal through the experience of all these bad feelings.

Something else that I think is important is the fact that I finally decided to look for profesional help (medically) to control my emotional eating, which leads me to binge uncontrollably. As a result of this condition I gained a lot of weight even though I am not obese. I have always been a strong advocate against the use of medications. I am a professional teacher and counselor on natural healing methods, yet here I am, using drugs to help suppress my appetite. I already know what to eat, how to exercise and the emotions that trigger my binges, yet I still can’t control my eating habits. I feel like such a hypocrite to even talk to my students about a healthy lifestyle.

I guess there is a sense of doing something wrong and feeling ashamed of it (taking drugs???) The possiblity of being in jail and being totally deprived of my freedom is sort of what I am feeling right now. It feels at times like I am trapped in my own jail - that’s how desperate I feel.

—Anonymous, Age 48

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