Hi Nikki -
I’m very sorry to learn of your boyfriend’s death last summer. He must have been in a lot of pain, and I know that you are now feeling some of that pain.
When people commit suicide, it is because they feel like they don’t have any more options in their life. They feel like they have reached a dead end - like there is nothing more that they can do to help their situation. Also, suicide sometimes is complicated by hormonal imbalances in the brain. For example, you know how it sometimes feels when you get your period - you can get moody and cranky - and sometimes downright upset - for “no apparent reason.” But you also know that your moodiness will pass in a few days, and you know not to take it too seriously - because you know it is caused by your menstruation.
I wish more people who were depressed and thinking of committing suicide would learn this simple lesson. No matter how bad it seems right now, the feeling always passes. It always gets better - and today’s hopelessness always looks different in tomorrow’s light. Also, if you are depressed, it’s important to get help. If you had pneumonia, you wouldn’t ignore it and try to carry on in your life as if nothing was wrong. You’d go to the doctor and get some pills - which is the same thing you can do now for depression.
The person laughing at you in your dreams is not your boyfriend, but death itself. Sometimes the fact that we all eventually are going to die can make life seem pointless: why bother, right? Have you spoken to any counselors at school, or asked your parents if they know someone you could speak with about your feelings? I think you’ll learn a lot if you are able to ask someone all the questions that are on your mind. We all feel sorry for your friend.
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